Inside and Out

Express

I’ve been dealing with a lot of things lately. Mainly, my thoughts, my health, my body, my hair, my look, my partner, my family, and everything around me.

Even the smallest things are the big deal for me right now. I’m going through a hard time figuring out what’s going on. Yes, it’s a big deal of stress and all combined with confusion and misunderstanding.

I rarely speak out my mind. I don’t feel like telling it to other person. At times, I am open with my girl friends. They’re open-minded people that I am lucky to be with. Though  I don’t share them all what’s going on about me, but getting a feedback and an assurance that everything will be okay is already a good start of my day.

I always have bad days. Thinking about things, to do and what not to do. I even have tons of things to be organized but they’re not my priority right now. All I do is think. It helps but not most of the time.

Showing them I’m okay by a smile or a message of “Hello, how have you been?” is a part of me that is not me all the time. I reach to people to be able to open up to them but instead it happens in reverse. All the time.

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I’ve been trying to be honest to myself and I keep on repeating that I’m an honest person. I do. And I need to keep on telling that to the “Me” person inside me because she needs to be reminded that you can’t fool yourself and drown on your denials in life. You have to face the struggle and reality.

It hunts me all.the.time.

But I forget to enjoy life. I forget to be me. Who’s the real me? I should know, right? Still, I don’t know.

We are growing and we are the result of what we decided on in our past. We looked forward, and this is it. This is what we’ve been telling ourselves. We are in the present and not in the past. But we are from the past.

I would like someone to know me better and know myself better too. Unfortunately, we can’t understand each other because we’re the same. In what we do and what we say, who we are, what we have become.

I’ve been trying to control myself and let him take charge of things but instead, he’s also afraid he might make mistakes…same with me.

I’ve just realized this isn’t going to be easy. Life isn’t. I should think, “do more of what makes you happy”, but it’s not working. How am I going to do that without the other person? If I move on, what about him? I can’t leave him and just make myself happy. That’s not a relationship. You help each other and figure out what to do so you both can be happy together.

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