Past, Present, Future

Back to Reality

I hate it. Ever since I opened up my mind and talked, every thing is reality to me. Mom and dad having a fight. Sibling rivalries. Financial conditions. Home and material things stability. My childhood. Our pets. The business. Some relatives. Your parents friends. Overall life story.

I love to observe. I don’t argue and I don’t ask. I just accept things the way they are. I don’t mind what I would think of. Even shut my mouth to not let slip them (words) out from me.

Being the youngest is the toughest. I was being hold down so I won’t grow and know stuff when a person becomes an adult.

I see why people would bring you down because you don’t know anything. That’s what they thought about.

You let yourself in a moment where you are the only person in your world. No one’s in it except you.

You are on your own, no one cares.

In the end, you let yourself be this way because someone needs you. That’s the only reason you don’t give up.



Why do women always have to adjust with men?

When it comes to dealing with relationships, most of the articles I read online pertains to the well being of men and how they should be treated by women and not the other way around.

Women are emotional, selfish creatures. They tend to be so vulnerable when it comes to their personal feelings and the whole of being a woman.

I totally agree about having equal amount of respect to guys to which they would treat women as well. But I don’t like to say everything should be compromised for guys. They always have to be “considered” and “cared” for because majority said they are easily hurt and more often has to give more than to receive.

That’s a fact that men needs to be respected. But same with women. Those who consider men’s feelings are the ones who has a lot of respect for them. But most of the time, men don’t see that. They would logically explain the entire situation without knowing the girl’s feelings and by the end of it, they would reason out that they don’t feel the same like a girl does. So what’s the point of reasoning when they just wanted to be the one that women should listen to? solely for his “own” logical reasons? You can’t even judge them because they would make such unreasonable reasons reasonable. Justifying all odds and circumstances.

I don’t hate men. They’re annoying sometimes. I can’t figure out how tolerable they are when you are being vulnerable to them. Showing them your feelings is a good thing. It’s called reaching out. But they don’t see it as it is. They see it as anger, annoyance, nagging, degrading. How can you show that you’re being true so that this person would know, but instead, turns on his “protective shield” and ignore you like a bug? (shoo-shoo gesture). Then they (men) would reason out because they don’t know your feelings. How should they respond if you don’t tell them what to do? What would they say to you so you would calm down?


Yep. That’s right. These and more of these. Like an eternal black hole with darkness. The moment you let yourself in that hole, you won’t be able to come out.

In denial attitude is always a given to this kind of situation. For women, they shut their eyes and ears and just let their hands feel that emotions. Sad thing about being so giving and loving, you blind yourself (true fact, love is blind). You let your emotions go, accept the men’s “reasons” and just go with the flow. But really, there is something going on. You blinded yourself woman. But in the end, it’s still you alone who is suffering. All because of this so called LOVE that we would sacrifice everything just to be happy in the arms of the one that we love that we accept them and their reasons.

In conclusion, learn to say “NO” and “It’s not fair”. True. Because it’s not really fair. Give yourself a break. Love yourself more.



Inside and Out


I’ve been dealing with a lot of things lately. Mainly, my thoughts, my health, my body, my hair, my look, my partner, my family, and everything around me.

Even the smallest things are the big deal for me right now. I’m going through a hard time figuring out what’s going on. Yes, it’s a big deal of stress and all combined with confusion and misunderstanding.

I rarely speak out my mind. I don’t feel like telling it to other person. At times, I am open with my girl friends. They’re open-minded people that I am lucky to be with. Though  I don’t share them all what’s going on about me, but getting a feedback and an assurance that everything will be okay is already a good start of my day.

I always have bad days. Thinking about things, to do and what not to do. I even have tons of things to be organized but they’re not my priority right now. All I do is think. It helps but not most of the time.

Showing them I’m okay by a smile or a message of “Hello, how have you been?” is a part of me that is not me all the time. I reach to people to be able to open up to them but instead it happens in reverse. All the time.


I’ve been trying to be honest to myself and I keep on repeating that I’m an honest person. I do. And I need to keep on telling that to the “Me” person inside me because she needs to be reminded that you can’t fool yourself and drown on your denials in life. You have to face the struggle and reality.

It hunts me all.the.time.

But I forget to enjoy life. I forget to be me. Who’s the real me? I should know, right? Still, I don’t know.

We are growing and we are the result of what we decided on in our past. We looked forward, and this is it. This is what we’ve been telling ourselves. We are in the present and not in the past. But we are from the past.

I would like someone to know me better and know myself better too. Unfortunately, we can’t understand each other because we’re the same. In what we do and what we say, who we are, what we have become.

I’ve been trying to control myself and let him take charge of things but instead, he’s also afraid he might make mistakes…same with me.

I’ve just realized this isn’t going to be easy. Life isn’t. I should think, “do more of what makes you happy”, but it’s not working. How am I going to do that without the other person? If I move on, what about him? I can’t leave him and just make myself happy. That’s not a relationship. You help each other and figure out what to do so you both can be happy together.


The Act


I love people and I love how I interact with them. The more I see them and talk with them, the better I know them. It would take me a bit of time to get to know the person, and when I do, I feel accomplished of my job. That is to know this person in and out.

Downside of being interested and all that, I begin to please them for a lot of reasons. One, not to disappoint them, in a way that would jeopardize our friendship/relationship. Two, for me to be able to stay in that zone where I can comfortably be true to myself with that person. Three, I don’t want broken relationships. It takes effort and lot of thinking. It’s big deal for me.

There’s still more but to be honest, these are just the bubbles.  It is altogether a deeper part of the reasons.

I hate pleasing. People expect a lot from you. They want to be able to please you too. Yes, it’s a way to a person’s heart. Good or bad. If it would make both of you happy, why not. But if it will put you or them in a situation, that’s another story.

Pleasing selfish people is a no-no. Giving in is not an option. Talking things over is okay. Pushy people, leave them. If you’re not happy, don’t do it.

Is pleasing good? yes, in my most honest and true way, but only my intent to be that person’s blessing not destruction. I can be a way for them to be either good or bad. Same goes to myself.


*image (not mine) credit to the owner